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Beyond Blame
INTRODUCTION
A Personal Journey Through Conflict
 

It is late at night. I cannot sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see before me a scene in which I stand helpless, mute, unable to express myself. I think of several things I could have said, brilliant responses that would have moved my adversary to tears, speechlessness, or better yet, recognition that I am right and he is wrong.

In my dreams I can say these things but I sure cannot seem to mobilize such persuasive arguments during the repeated conflicts I find myself in. "Why must he treat me this way?" I beseech the sandman who will not release me from consciousness. "Why will he not be more reasonable, more cooperative, more like me ?"

My breathing slows. I finally find a comfortable position. The demons are buried in sand and I am floating away. Suddenly, my eyes pop open once again. "Now, wait a minute," I remind myself as if I had a choice in the matter. "Did he really mean it when he said...?" "Next time he does that I am going to..." Indignation. Rage. Shame. Frustration. Fear. Tension. Uncertainty. Blame. No wonder I cannot sleep.

Even Experts Lose Control

I am an expert in human relationships. I resolve disputes for a living. I mediate conflicts, patch up hostilities between spouses, business partners, siblings, parents and children. I am a therapist, a trainer and supervisor of therapists. I have even written a dozen books on how to do therapy. So it is with particular reluctance that I admit to you the extent to which I have allowed myself to become deeply troubled about a few relationships in my life that have caused me great anguish and frustration. Furthermore, I cannot think of a time in my life when this has not been the case.

I bring this to your attention not to perpetuate the myth (and it is an exaggeration) that most therapists are crazier than their clients, but to make the point that even with the best possible training and decades of experience helping others to resolve conflicts in their lives, everyone loses sleep over relationships in conflict.

I felt deeply driven to figure out why it is exactly that interpersonal conflicts are unavoidable, why they occupy such a disproportionate amount of my time-- thinking about them, reliving the most painful memories, obsessing about things I wish I had said or done, figuring out who is most to blame for the troubles, resolving to do better next time, and worst of all, berating myself that I should be beyond mortal frustration because, after all, I am the expert.

In my search for answers to these questions I encountered a lot or reassurance from colleagues and authors of books on the subject. "Conflict is constructive" I read repeatedly. "Don't worry. You are not alone." I heard echoing from concerned friends. Yet this advice, however well meaning, only contributed to greater feelings of impotence. This was true for more specific suggestions as well-- to be more assertive, more firm, more flexible, to ignore the offending person's behavior, to not take the conflict so seriously. All of these simple platitudes were things that I had heard myself say to clients a thousand times.

I have learned, however, after studying the literature on human conflict in anthropology, ethnology, psychology, sociology, and political science, after interviewing several thousand people about their experiences during interpersonal disputes, that the key is not found in getting people to treat me differently. Neither is it changing the way I respond to provocations, nor removing myself from threatening predicaments. Most certain of all, I now know that figuring out what is wrong with others, identifying why they act so different from what I would prefer, defining the ways they are responsible for my suffering, is somewhat interesting but not all that useful.

Looking Inward Rather Than Outward

I have discovered that the thread that runs throughout almost all of my conflicts with others, and perhaps yours as well, is the tendency to concentrate on the other person's role in obstructing my goals. The focus of most or our internal energy is on trying to place blame on other people, or things outside of our control, rather than addressing what we are doing, or could be doing, in order to resolve disputes and reach our stated objectives.

It took the forceful courage of one colleague and friend who had known me a long time to remark that he noticed a familiarity in my complaints about a particular person. Had there not been a few other times in my adult life in which I had been locked in conflict with someone who resembled the current antagonist? And was I not reacting in much the same way that I responded to others in the past